Please, Just Listen! Why Being Heard Matters for Mental Health

2 days ago

7 min read

Listening, just simple, entirely basic listening, deserves more attention in conversations about mental health.

Think about the last time you tried to explain something difficult and you felt heard and seen in the conversation. Perhaps whoever you spoke with asked a thoughtful question, remembered something you had told them, or gave you time to finish without rushing in with advice. The problem likely remained unchanged in that exact moment, but maybe something in you had shifted somehow - maybe you felt more settled, connected, empowered, cared for, validated, prepared, or just good in a way you can't quite put your finger on.

That experience matters. Research suggests that the quality of listening can affect how connected people feel, and that regular, supportive conversations can improve some mental health symptoms (Itzchakov et al., 2023; Kahlon et al., 2021). There are useful lessons here for friends, partners, parents, and professionals. There is also something worth remembering when you are the person seeking support: wanting to feel heard is a reasonable need, including in therapy.

What research tells us about being heard

When you share something difficult, you may still be working out what you think and feel. You might begin with “Work has been stressful” and gradually find your way to “I’m worried I can’t keep doing this” or “I feel like nobody notices how hard I’m trying.” A listener who stays curious gives that conversation room to develop. Here are some interesting studies to consider.

The way you respond matters

In one experiment, 102 university students spoke with a research assistant for ten minutes. Those who received more attentive, understanding, and nonjudgmental listening reported feeling less lonely afterward than those who received moderate-quality listening. The difference was moderate in size statistically (Itzchakov et al., 2023). These findings suggest that how we respond during a brief conversation can make a meaningful difference to someone's experience of connection, and the quality of the listener's attention can affect how someone feels.

Regular contact can help

A randomized trial involving 240 adults receiving Meals on Wheels services tested four weeks of empathy-focused telephone calls. Callers received brief training and encouraged participants to talk about subjects they chose. Calls were intended to be under ten minutes, although they could run longer (Kahlon et al., 2021). Compared with people who did not receive the calls, participants improved on depression and anxiety symptom scores and one of two loneliness measures. The differences were generally small to moderate; the second loneliness measure did not show a statistically significant benefit (Kahlon et al., 2021). This was a program of repeated contact, with support available when practical or safety concerns arose. It gives us encouraging evidence for making time to connect consistently.

The Friendship Bench shows what community support can offer

In Zimbabwe, the Friendship Bench program trains local community health workers to sit with people on benches outside health clinics, offering active listening, thoughtful questions, and support with brainstorming, prioritizing problems, and planning next steps. In a study involving 573 adults, researchers compared this approach with enhanced usual clinic care. Six months later, 86% of those offered Friendship Bench support scored below the screening threshold for depression, compared with just 50% of those receiving enhanced usual care (Chibanda et al., 2016). These striking findings demonstrate the potential of accessible, relationship-based mental health support that begins with listening and helps people find their own solutions.

Taken together, these studies give us good reasons to value listening while staying realistic about what a conversation can provide. Supportive listening within and outside of therapy can sit alongside medication, practical assistance, and tactical changes in difficult circumstances.

Why we rush to give advice

When someone we care about is struggling, it's normal to respond by wanting to do something useful. We may suggest a boundary, a planner, a different job, a walk, or a conversation they should have. Sometimes those ideas help. Sometimes the person has already tried them. Sometimes we have answered a question they weren’t asking.

Imagine this conversation with a friend:
You: “I’m exhausted, and I’m starting to dread every Monday.” 
Friend: “You need to say no more often” 

Reflection: The advice might be sensible advice. But it leaves a lot unexplored. What happens in your world when you say no? Are you afraid of losing your job? Is there anyone available to share the work? Are you feeling exhausted by something you usually enjoy?

A good tip is to, "Connect before you correct." Ask questions, be present and curious, try to understand what a person is experiencing and what support they are hoping for before you jump in. For example, a response such as “What has been hardest lately?” gives a person a chance to explain. Bonus tip: Keep in mind that for someone who spends much of her day solving problems and meeting expectations, another suggestion can also feel like another task. She may want practical help eventually. In the initial moment, however, she may need someone to understand what the experience is like.

Takeaway: Before offering a solution, find out what the person wants you to understand.

What good listening actually looks like

Good listening is active. It involves following what someone is saying, being curious about their meaning, and checking whether you have understood.

You can practise it in ordinary conversations:

Give the person room to finish. Allow a pause without immediately filling it with advice or a story of your own.
Ask a question that opens the conversation. “What has that been like for you?” or “Tell me more about that?”
Reflect what you think you heard. “It sounds like you’re disappointed, but also worried about letting them down. Have I got that right?”
Acknowledge the feeling. “I can understand why that hurt.”
Ask before moving to solutions. “Would it help to think through some options, or would you like me to keep listening?”

These suggestions are consistent with psychological first aid guidance, which emphasizes listening without pressure, avoiding judgment and false reassurance, and respecting people’s decisions and abilities (World Health Organization et al., 2011). Listening also means leaving room for circumstances you don’t share. Culture, identity, discrimination, money, family expectations, and previous experiences of care may influence what someone is trying to explain. Ask what those things mean to that person rather than assuming. You might say, “Is there something about your situation that I’m missing?” Showing someone you understand their feelings or have heard their perspective does not require agreeing with every interpretation or decision. You can take their experience seriously while remaining curious about the parts you don’t yet understand, and this paves the way towards a helpful action plan (if that's the goal).

Listening matters in mental health care, too

The way professionals respond deserves the same attention. In a study across six psychiatric hospitals in Slovenia, staff received training in de-escalation that included active listening, recognizing patients’ feelings and needs, and offering choices. Compared with control wards, the intervention wards had 73% lower rates of aggressive incidents and about 70% lower rates of physical restraint related to aggression (Celofiga et al., 2022). The study offers a solid example of how changing staff communication and responses can change what happens in care.

In therapy, research also supports the importance of understanding. A meta-analysis covering 82 independent samples and 6,138 clients found that greater therapist empathy was associated with better therapy outcomes (Elliott et al., 2018). That association does not prove that empathy alone caused improvement, but it gives us good reason to value the relationship alongside specific treatment methods. Listening is part of the work of therapy.

“Would talk therapy really help me?”

It is a fair question, especially if you are used to being capable and practical. You may already understand your difficulties. You may have read the books, tried the strategies, and spent plenty of time thinking about what needs to change. Talking to a therapist gives you a place to explore the parts that remain difficult with someone whose role is to attend to your experience. You might want to understand why setting a boundary feels frightening, why an apparently small interaction stayed with you all week, or why you feel low despite things looking fine from the outside. Some sessions may lead to a practical plan. Others may help you put words to something you have struggled to explain. Feeling understood can be a meaningful part of that work, even when you leave without homework.

Practical strategies still have a place. Their purpose should be clear, and you should have a say in whether they fit your needs and circumstances. If an exercise feels confusing, overwhelming, or unhelpful, that is useful information to bring into the conversation.

You deserve to feel heard

In therapy, it is reasonable to expect your counsellor to make an effort to understand you, check their assumptions, and respond respectfully when you correct them. That does not mean every session will feel comfortable or that your therapist will always agree with you. Therapy can involve difficult questions and unfamiliar perspectives. There should still be room for your experience and your feedback.

You might say:

“I think we moved to solutions before I finished explaining.”
“I understand the suggestion, but I don’t think it fits what’s happening.”
“Could we spend more time on how this feels before deciding what I should do?”

These requests can be useful with friends and family, too. People may need help understanding what kind of support you want.

“I’d really appreciate ten minutes to talk this through. I’m mostly looking for you to listen.”

Other people have limits on their time and energy, and you can agree on a time that works. Your need to be heard still matters.

Listening is something we can offer each other

The next time someone shares something difficult, pause before reaching for advice. Remember, "Connect before you correct," and: Ask a question. Let them finish. Check what you understood. Find out whether they want help deciding what comes next.

When you are the one struggling, remember that you are allowed to be vulnerable and have this kind of attention. Being capable does not make being seen and heard more deeply less valuable.

At Kayda Health, we value both the experience of feeling seen, heard, and understood and practical strategies that fit daily life. Counselling offers space for both, with your experience helping guide the work.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can offer is a thoughtful question and enough time to hear the answer.

References

Celofiga, A., Kores Plesnicar, B., Koprivsek, J., Moskon, M., Benkovic, D., & Gregoric Kumperscak, H. (2022). Effectiveness of de-escalation in reducing aggression and coercion in acute psychiatric units. A cluster randomized study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, Article 856153. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.856153
Elliott, R., Bohart, A. C., Watson, J. C., & Murphy, D. (2018). Therapist empathy and client outcome: An updated meta-analysis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 399–410. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000175
Itzchakov, G., Weinstein, N., Saluk, D., & Amar, M. (2023). Connection heals wounds: Feeling listened to reduces speakers’ loneliness following a social rejection disclosure. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 49(8), 1273–1294. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672221100369
Kahlon, M. K., Aksan, N., Aubrey, R., Clark, N., Cowley-Morillo, M., Jacobs, E. A., Mundhenk, R., Sebastian, K. R., & Tomlinson, S. (2021). Effect of layperson-delivered, empathy-focused program of telephone calls on loneliness, depression, and anxiety among adults during the COVID-19 pandemic: A randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 78(6), 616–622. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2021.0113
World Health Organization, War Trauma Foundation, & World Vision International. (2011). Psychological first aid: Guide for field workers. World Health Organization. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789241548205