Mom Burnout: Why Am I So Burned Out? The Link Between Motherhood, Perfectionism, People Pleasing and Self-Worth

Before we talk about mom burnout, perfectionism, people pleasing, or any of the other labels we can put on what you might be experiencing, it is important to understand what life actually feels like for you. If we were sitting in a room together, I would likely be asking you:

What does a normal day look like for you? What are you responsible for? What are you thinking about that nobody else necessarily sees? Who relies on you? What happens when something gets missed, someone is disappointed, or you decide not to take care of something? And maybe most importantly, what is it like to be you in the middle of all of that? 

If I was guessing, I might imagine you as working full time, running a business, staying home with your kids, caring for aging parents, or doing some combination of all of it. I'd speculate that you genuinely love many parts of your life and still feel exhausted by it. I'd picture you as someone who is known to be capable, organized and good at figuring things out (which can make it even harder to understand why things suddenly feel so difficult). And I would really lean into the idea that no two women have the same lived experience, even when life looks very similar on paper.

Sometimes women come to counselling because they know they are overwhelmed. Other times they come because they are more irritable than they used to be, they are constantly second-guessing themselves, they cannot switch their brain off, or they feel like they are somehow failing at things they used to manage. And often, underneath all of that, there is a question that sounds something like:

Why is this so hard for me when I should be able to handle it?

That is usually where we want to slow things down. I'm not here to start by telling you that you are burned out or that you need better boundaries, but to understand what has been happening, what you have been expecting of yourself, and how you got to the point where everything feels this heavy. Because burnout isn't simply about having too much to do - there is so much more going on underneath it.

You can be in mom burnout and still be functioning.

This is important because many of the women in burnout are still getting things done. They are working, parenting, managing the household, answering messages, showing up for other people and doing a pretty convincing impression of someone who is coping. The problem is how much effort it is taking and how little is left over.

You might notice:

• feeling irritated when one more person asks you for something

• finally getting time alone but being unable to switch your brain off

• snapping more easily, crying more, sleeping poorly or feeling emotionally flat

• wondering why things that used to feel manageable now feel so much harder

• constantly thinking ahead to what needs to happen next

• carrying the family calendar, appointments, forms, meals, groceries and logistics in your head

• noticing what everyone needs before they ask

• remembering the things nobody else seems to notice, from new shoes to dog food to birthday gifts

• keeping track of who is struggling, who needs support and what might fall through the cracks

• feeling like there is always another tab open in your brain.

  
  

Whether you work outside the home, stay home with your kids, or do some combination of both, that kind of ongoing mental responsibility can be exhausting. And because so much of it is invisible, it can be very easy to underestimate how much you are actually carrying.

When we talk about perfectionism, it is not necessarily talking about spotless houses and colour-coded calendars. It's crucial to get much more interested in the rules you have for yourself: I should be able to handle this. I shouldn’t need help. If I’m going to do something, I should do it properly. I don’t want to let anyone down. Other women seem to manage this. Those thoughts matter because a mistake stops being just a mistake. Forgetting something can become evidence that you are disorganized. Losing your patience can become evidence that you are a bad mom. Needing support can feel like proof that you are not coping as well as you should be.

There is a big difference between having high standards and feeling as though your worth depends on meeting them. If you are much kinder about everyone else’s mistakes than your own, that is something it's very important to notice.

People Pleasing: When being caring starts costing you.

Most women who struggle with people pleasing do not necessarily think of themselves as people pleasers. More often, they see themselves as caring, helpful, dependable and considerate of other people's feelings and will die on the hill that this is an important value. And those really are strengths. The question is what happens when taking care of someone else consistently comes at a cost to you, or when you overlook that YOU are a person too and equally deserving of these same niceties.

Ask yourself:

• Can you say no to something you do not have the capacity for and let the other person be disappointed?

• Can you ask someone else to take something on without feeling guilty, over-explaining yourself, or stepping back in when they do it differently than you would?

• Can someone you love be frustrated, uncomfortable or unhappy without you immediately feeling responsible for making it better?

  
  

Brené Brown has a simple phrase that fits here: “Choose discomfort over resentment.” There is often some discomfort involved in doing things differently. Saying no can feel uncomfortable. Asking for help can feel uncomfortable. Letting another adult figure something out can feel uncomfortable. But tolerating some of that discomfort can be what prevents the cycle of saying yes, taking over, keeping the peace, and eventually feeling depleted or resentful.

It is not about becoming less generous or caring. It is about finding a better balance between caring for other people and making space for your own needs. Assertiveness can help with that balance, especially when stress is being fuelled by taking on too much because saying no feels difficult.

The more useful questions are often underneath the behaviour:

• What makes someone else's disappointment feel like yours to fix?

• What makes asking for what you need feel demanding?

• When did being helpful, easy, capable or dependable become part of how you learned you were doing okay?

  
  

Those answers will be different for everyone, and they can tell us a lot about where change might actually begin.

When doing well starts to feel tied to your worth.

This is where self-worth can get pulled into the picture. If being competent, productive, helpful or needed has become part of how you know you are doing okay, burnout can feel like more than exhaustion. It can start to feel like failure. Instead of thinking, I have too much on my plate, the story becomes, What is wrong with me? Why can't I handle this? That often leads to pushing harder, criticizing yourself more, and trying to need less, which can keep the cycle going. Part of changing that pattern is learning to separate what you do from what you are worth.

Needing help, changing expectations, or deciding that something is good enough does not make you less capable or less valuable.

This is where counselling can actually make a difference.

I do not want to give you five more things to do better. If you are already stretched, another checklist is probably the last thing you need (even though I know we have a few above!). I want to help you understand the patterns that are keeping you stuck and then work with you in ways that actually change how this feels in real life.

Sometimes that means looking at the thoughts that show up automatically when you make a mistake, say no, ask for help or disappoint someone. We can challenge the beliefs that say you have to do everything well, keep everyone happy or prove that you are coping. Sometimes it means working on boundaries and assertiveness so you can communicate what you need without spending the next three days feeling guilty about it. We will also work on how your body responds to stress, because it is very hard to think differently when your system is constantly running on high alert. Mindfulness, grounding and learning how to slow down enough to notice what is happening can create space between the feeling and the reaction. Self-compassion can help change the way you speak to yourself when you are struggling, and Acceptance & Committment Therapy can help us come back to what actually matters to you instead of being driven entirely by guilt, fear or “shoulds.” I like practical strategies. If there are concrete changes that can make your days easier, I want us to find them. The difference is that I do not want to hand you a strategy without understanding why the old pattern keeps pulling you back in.

The goal is not to become less caring, less capable or less ambitious. I want you to keep the parts of yourself that you value while having more choice about when and how you use them. You can care about your family without being responsible for everyone’s emotions. You can do good work without every outcome becoming a referendum on your worth. You can be helpful without always being the person who fixes it. You can let something be good enough and discover that the world does not fall apart.

When your state changes, the story you tell yourself can change too. Instead of I’m failing, I should be coping better, I just need to try harder, there is room for something more accurate and useful: I’m overloaded. I’ve been using patterns that helped me for a long time, but they are costing me now. I can learn another way. And when those patterns start to change, your actual day-to-day reality can change with them.

A few resources I often recommend.

If you like to understand what is happening underneath the surface, there are a few resources I think are worth your time. Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski is a useful place to start, particularly for women who are doing a lot and wondering why their bodies and brains still feel stressed even when they are trying to rest.

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky can be eye-opening if a large part of your exhaustion comes from the invisible work of family life. It gives language to all the noticing, planning and remembering that can be so difficult to explain. Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab is practical if you know boundaries are part of the issue but find saying no, asking for what you need or tolerating someone else’s disappointment much harder than it sounds. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie can be useful if you recognize a pattern of over-functioning, rescuing, taking responsibility for other people’s emotions, or finding it very difficult to let someone else struggle without stepping in. The language of “codependency” will not fit everyone, but many of the ideas around boundaries, detaching from responsibility for others, and noticing where helping starts to cost you are still very relevant. I also like the Centre for Clinical Interventions’ free Perfectionism in Perspective and Assert Yourself! workbooks. You do not need to turn them into another assignment. Sometimes just reading through them and noticing the parts that make you think, “Oh, I do that,” gives you the insight you need and is useful enough.

You do not have to wait until you stop functioning.

Capable people often have a very high threshold for deciding they are struggling enough to deserve help. If you are still working, parenting and getting things done, it is easy to tell yourself that it cannot be that bad. But being able to function does not tell me how hard you are working to keep functioning.

I’m Kyle Pelletier, a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Kayda Health in Coquitlam. I’m also a wife and a mom of three, and I have had my own experiences with anxiety, stress, health challenges, grief, parenting and relationships. I have turned to counselling myself during difficult seasons, so I understand that asking for support can feel strange when you are normally the person who is used to figuring things out.

If we work together, I want to understand your story before deciding what needs to change. We can make room for what has been hard, figure out what is keeping you stuck, and use a combination of practical strategies, CBT, ACT, mindfulness, self-compassion and solution-focused work to help you feel and function differently.

You do not need to wait until everything falls apart. If you are tired of feeling like you should be able to handle all of this better, I would be honoured to hear what it has actually been like for you and help you figure out what better could look like. So, if you are reading this and recognizing more of yourself than you expected, you do not have to have it all figured out before reaching out. You can book a free consultation with me to see whether working together feels like a good fit.